You DO want to know your horoscope for May 2007, right? Everyone wants to know how their month is going to turn out. Of course, these horoscopes are not quite what you'd find in your average teen mag... So BEWARE muhahaha...

Capricorn

Dec. 23-Jan. 20

 A snail will approach you between the 8th and 9th, pleading for your help. If you do aid the snail, you will be granted one wish, however, you will forbidden to wish for a million other wishes or any other quantity of wishes, and you will mourn on that fact between the 13th and 14th. However, on the 21st, you will finally make your decision on the wish you want (IF you choose to help the snail). However, if you take the path of doom and squish the snail or make it into escargot or simply leave it where it is in that mucky puddle on the sidewalk... Then the rest of the month will be particularly homework-filled for you. (So THERE!)

Aquarius

Jan. 21-Feb. 19

 Your grandma will visit you surprisingly on the 5th and instead of sewing and knitting like usual, she will reveal that she has hidden powers and that you, being her blood relative, have inherited these powers. She will inform you that your supposed powers - be it invisibility, the ability to fly, or the ability to talk on your cell phone AND drink coffee while driving a car, will appear on your 49th birthday. On the 20th, you will try to harness these powers and fail miserably, but you will end up eating pizza toward the end of the month, all forgotten... (Granny may have used her supreme powers to erase your memory.)

Pisces

Feb. 20-Mar. 20

 This month will be an exciting one - on the 11th you may receive an interesting phone call from that meditating man you met in the mountains last summer. He will tell you that his favorite ox, Gertrude, is being shipped to you at that very moment, and, true enough, on the 27th after long eager anticipation, you will be overjoyed to find Gertrude in a giant "FRAGILE" container. However, her need for water and all that other good stuff is burning a hole in your pocket, so you may be broke for a few weeks after that. Sorry.

Aries

Mar. 21-Apr. 20

 You will be overjoyed to find out that a tall, dark, handsome person will come into your life... However, it's not exactly Prince/Princess Charming. In fact, it may just be that crazy man you saw on the subway last week. Nevertheless, he/she will tell you some gibbledygabbledyness (aka, an old saying that requires in-depth analysis) and you will spend most of your time hard at work interpreting this strange saying. But on the 16th, you'll be in for a big surprise that distracts you from all this. On the 22nd, though, the saying will come back into your life and you'll finally realize that it had no inner meaning at all and really, it was just something that popped out of an insane person's mouth. Oops.

Taurus

Apr. 21-May 21

 Opportunities are popping up everywhere for you this month! On the 2nd, a brand new fresh idea will explode into your mind and you will get very excited about it, perhaps running around in circles until your friends are nuts. On the 12th, you'll slow down a little, and realize that this idea is going to take some buckling down. However, this idea clashes when a familiar person reveals some secret info to you on the 18th. Uh-oh, you're in for a wild ride! A suggestion: go to an amusement park and demand to buy all the cotton candy there. They will certainly understand, and you will all live happily ever after, just with a glob of gooey pink stuff and without a wallet full of cash.

Gemini

May 22-June 21

 What a fabulous month for you! Your social life is booming, and everyone wants to invite you to their party - even that person you sorta-kinda-don't-really-know who doesn't seem all that fun. This could cause problems - you may find yourself pleading to get away from it all on the 9th, and by the 14th, you're kicking back and relaxing on the beach. (Or at least in your room.) On the 16th, you'll find yourself feeling a bit mad (crazy-mad, that is), and you'll end up digging for earthworms in your backyard (unsuccessfully). Suddenly, no one will want to come near you and your sticky, smelly hands. But, no worries. On the 28th, you and your earthworm friends will skip happily into the sunset, all problems solved, except for that pesky mosquito that won't get out of your tissue box...

Cancer

June 22-July 22

 Eeeuck. This month, you'll find yourself stuck in all sorts of... er... tough situations. Your teachers will all turn into evil demons who happily assign project after project, and your friends will unexpectedly (not again!) transform into tree kangaroos. Without your friends to gossip to in P.E., your brain will plop on the ground with boredom. Of course, that homework will always occupy your time. On the 31st, good news - it's almost a new (marvelous-looking) month!

Leo

July 23-Aug. 21

 For some reason, you'll wake up on the 4th morning this month and realize you are in Australia. Shrugging it off, you'll explore the place and surf a bit, but by the 10th, you will go into a state of panic and grab a rowboat and paddle all the way back to America. Er... You THINK it is America. Uh, turns out on the 17th, you made a wrong turn and ended up discovering a new island - good job! But unluckily for you, blueberries are the ONLY things that inhabit the island, and WORSE, the blueberries are MUTANT blueberries! But by the 26th, you'll wake up again and find it was all a dream (or was it?) and it's time to go back to school (no! you want to go back to Australia, doncha?).

Virgo

Aug. 22-Sep. 23

 On the 5th, you will experience a surge of creativeness and start your own business - selling bananas to the neighbors! Soon, by the 6th, your business is booming, and you find you need more bananas than EVER. And, come to think of it, you may be going a bit bananas in the process. And suddenly nothing makes a lot of sense. So you decide to forgo the banana idea and go with potatoes instead. This process repeats itself at least 23 times, and by then it's a new month and you are free of all banana, potato, and pickle-related problems. (You'll learn about that last one soon enough...)

Libra

Sep. 23-Oct. 23

 Time to rejoice! You will meet a kind, sweet, person that's a few years younger than you on the 11th or 12th, and, unlike the last time this happened, she/he is NOT a vampire! So relax on the 15th. But - oh no! - she ISN'T a vampire, indeed - she is a werewolf wearing a witch's hat! Horrors of all horrors! (These should be called HORROR-scopes, shouldn't they?) Of course, there's no rule in the book that says you can't be friends with a werewolf wearing a witch's hat, so you might find by the 24th that this will work out for the better.

Scorpio

Oct. 24-Nov. 22

 A bland month is coming up for you. Bor-ang... Search for new hobbies to occupy your time, maybe writing a story or something, submitting an entry to a contest on this website... Or something. But wait! What's that I see? On the 28th, right before the month filled with gray clouds and stale crackers is ABOUT TO END, you ride on an elephant's back all the way to Turkey! (Don't ask ME how you got across the Ocean...) There, you will meet your soul mate, but, um, it might not be a human. Like, it might be a snake, or a chicken or something. Yea...

Sagittarius

Nov. 23-Dec. 22

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Slooooooow dooooown! Take a chill pill, you! Take a nature hike on the 7th and hopefully meet some friendly chipmunks. However, if you can't find the friendly chipmunks by the 9th, give up all hope and start searching for Waldo instead. However, if you can't find HIM either by 11:42 PM on the 19th (we allow more time for that one 'cause it's more difficult than the chipmunks), it's time to start making friends of your own kind. Like, you know, peacock-friends. Just kidding! Couldn't resist that. If all else fails (and we do mean ALL else), just hole up in your room and read a book about complicated calculus. Or read the dictionary or something, it doesn't matter...